Humble Pie and Repentance

Last night I figuratively ate the biggest piece of humble pie I've ever had to swallow.  It was painful.  I did something I am ashamed of, and I wish I could take the whole thing back.  But I've definitely learned some important lessons that I hope never to forget.

So there's a young family in our apartment complex that moved in just a few months after we did.  Shortly after their arrival, we heard screaming, crying and loud, violent sounds coming from their apartment.  It sounded bad enough that it made me genuinely frightened for the wife and child.  To make a long story short, Michael went over and had a firm confrontation with the man and threatened to call the police. Since then he has been polite and relatively friendly with Michael and I.  He says hi to us whenever we cross paths, and he knows our names.  Michael has done a good job of being friendly back and trying to keep peace.  I have been a bit more wary and suspicious, since that first incident shook me quite up a bit (especially being a woman) but I've always tried to be polite.  To sum up I guess you could say Michael and I have been on cautiously friendly terms with him.  There have been a few instances similar to this first one, but none quite as bad.

Well, last night, as we returned home from the grocery store, we heard a lot of yelling and screaming coming from their apartment again.  Could have been going on for an hour, for all we knew.  It was LOUD.  The couple has a 2 year old daughter, and we could hear her crying.  Things quieted down after a few minutes, but both of us were feeling pretty mad and indignant.  We saw the husband leave the apartment and walk out to the street, and shortly thereafter we saw the wife and daughter go down and sit on the sidewalk.  We went down, and Michael crossed the street pretending to go to our car while I asked the wife if she was ok, to which she responded that she was fine.  When I stood up, I saw the husband walking back towards us.  Well, I was still feeling really mad.  I did not like this guy, and I wanted to show him just what I thought of him.  So when he said hi to me, I looked him right in the eye and gave him about the dirtiest glare I've ever given anyone.  Oooo it was bad.  A "withering glance" I think it's called.  A killer stare.  I nailed him with it for a couple of seconds and then continued on to our car where I proudly told Michael what I had done.  I had surprised myself, but I felt very justified.

When we returned from the car 30 seconds later, all three of them were still out on the sidewalk.  The husband asked Michael if he could have a "man-to-man talk" with him for a few minutes, and Michael said sure.  So they walked the other way down the sidewalk and I went upstairs to wait.  (Actually I turned on our porch light and stood guard there until I couldn't see them anymore.  After 15 minutes of not having them in sight, I went out with a flashlight and my phone to make sure everything was okay.  When I saw them calmly sitting and talking on a curb in the distance, I went home again and waited.)

When Michael returned, he had a big grin on his face.  I had been thinking about the dirty look I threw at the husband and kind of regretted it, so my first words to Michael were, "I don't think I should have glared at him."  Michael's first words to me in response were, "He is absolutely terrified of you."  ME?  I was shocked, and for a second felt kinda proud of myself again - I sure showed him, the dirty rotten scumbag! - but what I heard next brought me down to the ground and made me feel like the most rotten person ever.

Firstly, there wasn't quite as much violence happening on the husband's side as we thought.  And his wife isn't the meek little mouse we thought she was either.  Both have issues - we hear them loud and clear! -and the husband definitely has a past and some very bad habits.  But as Michael related their conversation, I suddenly saw a guy who is trying to put the past behind him and make a good life for himself and his family.  The guy was bawling - bawling - as he told Michael how he really is a good person deep inside, but nobody sees that.  No one thinks he is worth anything, he said, people only see him for what he has done in the past.  "Your wife, when she looked at me...she looked like she wanted to kill me!"  (Oh man...)  Apparently he tried for a long time to get a job, and due to his history the only people that would give him a chance were the grocery store across the street, where he is soon to be a manager.  He loves his daughter and his wife and doesn't want them to leave.  He always apologizes after things like this happen.  He is trying to provide for them, giving them food and clothes and nice things, but sometimes he just doesn't know what else to do.

Michael did a wonderful job of listening and giving advice as he was asked.  He encouraged the fellow to stop drinking, to apologize again, to take comfort in the fact that his wife is staying with him and therefore must think he is worth something, etc.  Michael then started sharing how the principles he and I learn at church are what keep our marriage strong and unified.  He asked him if he prayed at all, and when the husband said yes, Michael encouraged him to pray with his wife.  Then came the climax of the conversation, which cut me to the heart when I heard it:

The guy said his mother-in-law pointed us out to him one day and said that we looked like good, religious people who were happy together.  She suggested that he ask us about our church and attend with us sometime.  Well apparently since then he had been wanting to knock on our door to talk to us about our belief in God, but he hadn't because he thought that might seem kinda weird.

Wow.

Upon hearing this, Michael testified to him of God's love for us, and how God will always give us a chance.  He offered to talk to him more about our faith sometime again.  One thing led to another and Michael ended up inviting him and his wife and daughter to dinner on Sunday evening to chat some more about it.

Well.  You can just imagine how I felt when I heard all of this.  Basically I wanted to crawl under a rock and be crushed.  I felt absolutely horrible.  Not only had I made some incorrect assumptions about this guy and his wife, but I had communicated hate and coldness through the way I looked at him, rather than compassion and understanding.  What I had justified in the moment as "righteous anger" turned out to be just plain unkindness.  Not the way a disciple of Christ should act.  Not one bit.  I felt like the biggest hypocrite.  I worried that I'd ruined any chance we might have had of helping this guy come unto Christ because of my bad example.  I couldn't believe I had done something like that, something that I like to think was out of character for me.  I had made a grown man cry.  A guy who was already struggling to try and win back the world's favor and forgiveness...and who found in me just one more cold face that didn't believe he could change.  I was utterly ashamed of myself.

After a good deal of crying, I decided to go apologize to this guy.  I was scared to death, but I knocked on his door and said something like this: "Hey.  So...I just wanted to apologize for glaring at you earlier.  I've actually never done that before, and I'm usually not the sort of person to do that kind of thing.  From what I thought I'd heard earlier, my blood was boiling and...that's what came out.  But especially as a Christian and someone who didn't have all the facts, I should not have done that.  I'm really sorry...and I just wanted to come and sincerely apologize."  The whole time I was talking he kept saying, "It's ok Rachel", which was better than I deserved.  At the end I shook his hand and said that I hoped they had a good night.  To myself and Michael, the husband said, "See you guys Sunday."  I responded, "We're glad you guys are coming over."

So that's the basic story.  Now here are those lessons I hope never to forget (I post them in the hopes that someone reading this might learn from my experience rather than going through the pain of a similar experience themselves):

1.  Most of the time we just don't know someone's background and situation.  Not only that, but you never know when someone is trying to change, even if they have done terrible things in the past.  Better to give people the benefit of the doubt and keep the channels open for you to be of help to them if they are seeking help.  (You would think I would have learned this a long time ago, considering how often I say it and try to live by it - it's one of my mantras.  I guess I've still got a lot of learning to do.) No this guy isn't perfect and obviously something was going on in their apartment - if we had been right in our perception of what was going on, maybe the glare would have been a good idea to let him know that he was being watched!  But the fact is that in this particular case I ended up being mistaken.  There are situations of real abuse and danger that other people need to get involved with sometimes, but in many cases it's safe to say that judgment is the Lord's.  As for us, He has simply told us to love one another.

2.  It's not worth it to give in to words and actions that rise to the surface in heat of anger.  Just don't do it.  Wait until your blood stops boiling and then think again.  There have been many times, I'm sorry to say, when I looked back at a situation and almost wished I had said or done something harsher than what I ended up doing.  Now I'm glad for all those times that I refrained and kept control of myself!  This quote by Jim Rohn sums it up: "We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.  Discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons."

3.  Seems I have a withering glance that can bring a grown man to tears.  Never thought I had it in me.  But now that I know that, I don't think I will EVER use that glare again.  (Except perhaps to rein in our future children, if the need arises...haha, no probably not even then.)

4.  The Atonement of Jesus Christ is what provides hope for these situations.  This is the main reason why I wanted to share this story.  After apologizing to the husband, I came back inside, laid down on the bed and sobbed for another 45 minutes with sweet Michael chuckling and rubbing my back.  It's not that I haven't had to make major apologies in the past, but this was one of the worst cases ever.  I hardly knew what to do.  I just felt so awful and wanted to erase everything.  Well, the Atonement of Christ provides a way for that to happen.  Because Jesus Christ paid the price for our sins, including those that involve wrongs we do to others, both they and us can receive healing if we come unto Him.  He teaches us through those experiences and then allows us to start again, clean and whole.  "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow." (Isaiah 1:18)  I hope that this guy can find some peace and know that my apology was sincere.  I hope he can forgive me.  I hope we can make some better memories with them on Sunday.  As for me, I was able to apologize to both him and the Lord.  I have made a new resolve to act with more charity going forward.  I know that I can be forgiven, and hopefully I can also forgive myself.  Repentance is hard sometimes, but it's worth it.  Because we can repent, we all have hope.